Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.