Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them