Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.