Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere