Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.