Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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the #horror is real!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
i want to work in this restaurant
@funTweeters
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.