Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.


Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*


Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.


When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?


fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha


Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.


There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.


“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”