HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The dark side of Canada
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there