Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit