HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
road rage
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.