him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Nomnomnomnom
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?