Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you