Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Same pineapple, same
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*