Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.