HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.