Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back