Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“We will wed,” I threatened
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”