Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I hate what you’ve done with the place.