Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes