Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.