Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You Might Also Like
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad