Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Tuesday
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate