him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Encore…
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.