Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.