Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins