him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on