Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
me working on my assignments ^-^
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE