HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.


*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.


Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.


i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking


Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”


If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert


*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.