Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.