him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Meow
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?