HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me irl
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast