Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Happens to everyone.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”