Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
just pretend nothing happened
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I want to meet the individual who made this
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night