Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.