Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.