Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: