Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“you recording!?”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.