him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

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*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?


bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products


WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.


Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.


pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.