*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*slides it in*
– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
pilot: we’re about to crash
pilot: this wedding
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.