@whatsJo

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

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@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@MNateShyamalan

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@AbbyHasIssues

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@TweetPotato314

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.