him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?