Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all know who you are.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

how to market bottled water to dads

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…