Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
first you must answer his riddles
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?