Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.