Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.