Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.