Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
You Might Also Like
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.