@djdarrellripley

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

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@TheCareBare

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

@Holy_Mowgli

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@jonnysun

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

@whatmaddness

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

@PaperWash

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

@meatypunk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

@CatherineLMK

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod