@whatsJo

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

You Might Also Like

@broken_rhi

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

@randomlawless

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

@patnspankme

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

@david8hughes

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@TheHyyyype

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

@scootertheworst

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

@truegritrumble

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*