Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
You Might Also Like
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*