him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.


Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”


If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”


[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.


Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”


TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late


ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]


just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine


ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*