him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
See..?
.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up