Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
craving $300 all of a sudden
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
translated into Canadian
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit