HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.