Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Love this guy
Why I divorced her.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!