him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Awwwww shit.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Important reminders
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
taking June’s advice to heart
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”