Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.