him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat